So....

I'm  on the Face Place yesterday (I remember Kathy Griffin's mom called it FacePlace and I just loved that...) and a woman posts a marriage update.  She says that her husband complained that her life has become about homeschooling and that he doesn't know her anymore and that after the kids leave there will be nothing connecting them any longer.  On top of that he commented on the way she cares about herself and how she's let herself go.

OK.  That's a lot to take in.

She spoke about all the ways she saw his point and what she is doing to rectify the situation.  How she is doing something he wants once a week, how she's taking her self care more seriously.

This woman's post has been gnawing at me.  These are things that have come up between MC and myself.  Now, I preface this with a statement regarding MC's problems. The man has problems.  I refer to him as MC because he truly is a ManChild.  TRULY.  I won't go into why and perhaps the truth to this moniker will emerge over time as I write here, but trust me.  He is the one and true ManChild.  BUT...I have let myself go.  I have made my life about homeschool.  And this is a blessing and a curse on both points.

Now - to the later point...I am thrilled I have made my life about homeschool.  I really like it.  It is the most meaningful and joyful challenge I have ever had in my life.  Read aloud alone is like meditation and I cherish each morning with my kids.  If I could wish anything, I wish my husband would engage with me on this subject, but he has simply left it to me without routine engagement.  I feel lonely in the endeavor and I see it as something that has cleaved our marriage in a way.  That's all I have to say about that right now.

As to the former point.  I have certainly let myself go.  I have stopped exercising, I sleep poorly, I eat like shit.  I'm heavier than I want to be.  I shower once a week, haven't cut my hair in almost a year...I could go on.  This is entirely on me.

So what will I do about it?  There have been periods that have been better than others and the payoff, from an entirely selfish POV, has been phenomenal - greater energy, happiness abounding, sounder sleep, more empathy for my kids.  But, sustaining the self care is a challenge.  Now, I caveat this topic with the full disclosure of a history with eating disorders and anxiety/depression.  I have seen a therapist for a long time, take prozac and spend a lot of time on personal development.  But the truth is, I look and feel like absolute crap and can only imagine how that affects my husband.  I am not the most appealing at the moment and I haven't been in several years.  This saddens me.

So, what shall I do about this?  I'm writing here and that's a start.  I am resuming the practice of waking up early before the kids to have free time to write here, read, exercise and groom myself.  This is something I did for a while and I found it a productive, albeit challenging practice (getting up at 5am requires a discipline I don't exactly embrace, but I can swing it most days).

Anyway, today is today and I can begin here.  I have this space to air my truest thoughts and feelings and will try to remember to make use of it.  Closing for now.  Until next time....

love